October 6

October 6, 2008
Dear Friend,
It has been a while since we last spoke. My life has been pretty hectic lately. As you already know my family is moving to Germany, and it’s only two weeks before they leave. I know, hard to believe, right?! It’s slowly starting to hit me, the reality of it all, I mean. I got strep throat this weekend, and it was weird because when I went to call my mom, I started crying. It freaked me out to think that she’s leaving. Not that her moving is worse than you losing your mom completely, but I think I am starting to grasp the feeling of not having a mom. She really does do everything for me, which makes it that much harder to get used to living in the real world. Yeah, I know growing up will make dealing with situations like this easier, but not having a mom within reach can really make a person feel insecure, especially a daughter.
There was this one time when my mom was going through a rough patch. Apparently she had the Human Papilloma Virus, and thought it was best not to tell me and my brother. What the hell?!! Knowing that something is wrong with a loved one can really drive a person insane. She was moody all the time, and would jump on me for every little thing. I couldn’t win. Everything was an argument. It felt like there was always tension and we couldn’t be around each other. After her surgery, she calmed down, and started to act like her old self. During that time, it took me a while to understand why she hadn’t told me. It was upsetting at first to think that my mom couldn’t trust me. But it wasn’t that she couldn’t trust me, it was that she didn’t want me to have to deal with it. It was hard enough for her to hear the news, and she knew I couldn’t handle stress very well. So, I figured she was “protecting” me. I learned a lot from that experience. I learned that it’s okay to ask questions. It’s okay to be aware. And though a person may say nothing is wrong, make sure to always have one eye open, because it could be a lot more than nothing going on.
Now that I think about it, this same sort of situation happened between me and you. I could tell something was definitely wrong with you back in April. You would get into this mood where you would disconnect yourself from the world. Every time Emi or I would ask what was wrong, all we ever got out of you was a, “don’t worry about it, I’m fine”. But you weren’t fine. You were depressed and lonely. And I think you didn’t tell us because like my mom you didn’t want us to have to deal with it. I know you’re the type of person that tries to please everyone before yourself, and I admire that about you. From you, I learned never to ignore the signs. Like my dad always tells me, “If it feels wrong, then it probably is wrong.”
With all that said, there is one last thing I want to talk to you about. I’m reading this book called “The Perks of Being a Wallflower”, and in the book the main character Charlie describes this time when he’s with his new found friends, Sam and Patrick, and how he felt “infinite”. To me infinite is being in a place where no one can touch you. You can run for miles on end and never tire. Like the time we went to Breckenridge. We were on our own for the first time, and we had nothing to do but live it up. I was with my best friends and we had everything going for us. I hope there will be another time like that. And I hope it’s with you and Emi. You guys make me so happy, and to know that I have you makes my family moving away a little easier for me.
Love always,
Brover