Sunday, December 7, 2008

December 7, 2008

December 7, 2008
Dear Friend,
For the past few months I have been reading a book called, “The Perks of a Being a Wallflower”. As lame as it may sound, this book was by far one of the best teen books I have read. All of the drama that is discussed, the heartbreaks people went through, the deception and constant hiding, everything about this book reminded me so much of high school. Not for me, personally, but for the people I saw who went through pretty much everything Charlie and his friends had to go through.
In the book, Charlie, the main character, begins writing letters to an anonymous person, discussing in detail the days he’s had, the people he had met, and his life in general. One scene in particular really hit home in my mind for some of my friends. During this past semester there have been quite a few pregnancy scares among my roommates. I haven’t had any, but I am sure the way Charlie’s sister felt was the same way they felt; scared, alone, and helpless. As real as it was, the thought of being pregnant seems to be one of the hardest concepts to have to grasp. I was please to see this as one of the challenges Charlie had to face. It’s real and it’s scary, especially for teenagers, and to read about it through the perspective of a brother was a nice change because even though the person who may be possibly pregnant is scared out of their mind, Charlie’s sister, the same feelings are being shared with their loved ones, a.k.a. Charlie. One other scene that stuck with me was in chapter two, when Charlie talks about the time Patrick told him the story of him and Brad. Apparently Patrick had been really popular before he met Sam, and being so had to hide a lot about himself. Turns out Patrick and Brad were really into each other, but because of whom they were to their fellow peers and the place they were in, high school; their relationship had to be kept confidential. Patrick goes on to tell Charlie that it is easier for them to act as if they are just friends around their “friends”, and if things do get sexual at parties or around unwanted company, Brad claims he was too drunk to remember anything. Later in the book, Brad and Patrick are in the lunchroom and Brad calls Patrick a “faggot”. Brad’s friends started laughing, and then Patrick started throwing punches. Charlie steps into to help Patrick because Brad does nothing. During these scenes, I think Charlie begins to realize that no one can be themselves, which is one of the problems he has in this book. He is trying to find himself and seeing how hard it is for others to be themselves, creates a sense of hopelessness. A lot of teenagers go through this. I wouldn’t say it’s healthy for us to act this way and hide who we truly are, but society has made it that much harder; high school being the worst place of all. I like that these scenes were put in the novel because they are realities people experience every day, and it’s nice to see that they are acknowledges, that not everyone has it easy.
Significant moments happen a lot in this book because everything is so new to Charlie and creates a huge impact on him. One of these moments was when Charlie was saying goodbye to his teacher, Bill. Of all people who had helped him get through this year, I feel Bill had made one of the biggest impacts. Always giving Charlie books to read, subconsciously done to keep his mind off of the negative things around him, consistently reminding Charlie of how special he was, and how everything he told Charlie was positive. These encouragements gave Charlie the boost he needed when he wasn’t with Patrick or Sam. I was happy to see that Charlie had one of these teachers to help him. I don’t think, however, that Charlie realized how much Bill had been helping him until he had said goodbye to him. I also feel that even though Bill’s help was completely sincere, accepting it was hard for Charlie. It was mentioned in the book that the only other person to call Charlie “special” was his Aunt Helen. I like how the author put this twist in there. It opens the reader’s eyes and let’s them see how difficult it is for Charlie to ever be able to let someone come that close to him or even to accept a compliment such as being called, “special”.

The end of the book was a real surprise. I had known that something was going on with Charlie from the beginning. His constant trips to the psychiatrists, the way he reacted to sexual situations, just a bunch of little things. I also knew that his Aunt Helen had something to do with his problem. Never would I have ever of thought that his Aunt Helen had molested him as child. It all makes sense now, especially going back through and reading about the times he was with Mary Elizabeth and Sam. Every time they made a motion anywhere below his waistline, Charlie would become very uncomfortable and would start crying or get really angry.
It is books like these that give people a real eye opener. Molestation is real. Pregnancy is real. All of the problems we face are real and the only way to fix them is to deal with them. Hiding like Patrick did about being gay, and Charlie’s sister hiding the fact that her boyfriend abused her, puts too much pressure on any one person. We need to vent whether it be through a psychiatrist, a journal, or writing to someone you don’t even know. Reading this novel is another way to release. One can really relate to Charlie whether they are in high school or college. This book is just one of those easy reads that holds so much within, and makes you wonder how you got through life. I loved it and would highly recommend reading it.

Love always,
Brover

Monday, November 17, 2008

November 17, 2008

November 17, 2008
Dear Friend,
There are the times in our lives when we need just a little bit of hope, or encouragement to get us through to tomorrow. When I was in high school, I used to run track and practices were really hard sometimes. Almost to the point people would throw up, including me a few times. We had an exercise called “quarters”, where we would have to sprint the length of a track in certain amount of time. I hated them. Everybody hated them. During those times I needed something to take my mind off of what I was doing. So, I would focus on the time I beat this girl in a race. We started out on the same pace, and then coming up on the last hundred yards, I passed her and won my race. The thought of beating that girl was what got me through “quarters”. I focused on winning the race and how proud my coaches and family was of me. It’s nice to feel appreciated and it is also a great motivator.
In the past few years my family has suffered many losses. Beginning with my uncle, then my great grandma, my grandma’s friend, and finally ending with my maternal grandfather. It’s been rough, especially for my dad. My uncle was his one of his best friends, if not The Best. My dad was stuck in a rut for a long time, and the stress he that came with his job on top of all the emotions that he had built up from what had just happened; he couldn’t contain it anymore. So, he took it out on my mom, my brother and me. I can remember going downstairs to ask him a question about my math. The conversation would start out fine, and then when I would try to explain something to him, but it was his way or the highway. I couldn’t win. My mom would tell me to ignore it, but I couldn’t. It got so bad, that my dad and I couldn’t hold a conversation without him being pissed off at me or me crying. Around the beginning of this year, things started looking up. We stopped trying to one up each other and started listening. Our fights weren’t only hurting each other’s feelings, but it hurt my mom to see us that way, and it affected my brother because he had to deal with the rage when the fights were over. I feel like my dad and I are closer than ever now. A few weeks ago he came up to Denver to come eat dinner with me. We had a great time. No fights, just a father and a daughter having a good time. He said to me, “It’s too bad you’re not drinking with me. When you turn twenty-one it’s me and you.” We have always loved each other, no matter how frustrated or upset we were. It just took some time for us to realize that we are all we have.
My sophomore year was different for me. I had good friends, I had a loving family, and I had great grades. The only problem was me. I’m happy a good majority of the time, and it came to my mom’s attention that something was wrong. I was sad and I didn’t even notice it. My friends would invite me to hang out and all I found myself wanting to do was my homework. The only good thing about this was that my grades were top notch. My mom was really worried, and considered taking me to a shrink. I eventually fell out of whatever I was going through. I guess I was just sad, and if I focused on something, then I had a goal to reach, and being sad wouldn’t be so noticeable. Sometimes I still feel sad or maybe it’s more so stressed, but instead of doing homework, I paint my nails. I love doing my nails. Ask anyone of my roommates and/or friends. Again, it’s the point of focusing on something other than whatever I’m trying to avoid. It calms me down most of the time, plus my nails always look nice.

Love always,
Brover
P.S. I hope you weren’t too confused when reading this. I just had a bunch of different stuff to say.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

November 5, 2008

November 5, 2008
Dear Friend,
I have been going over and over in my head about songs that remind me of my dad. I miss him more than I thought I would and I need something that will make it feel as if he is still with me. So I am making a CD mix for the both of us. Here is what I have so far.
“Letter to Me” – Brad Paisley
“Daughters”- John Mayer
“I love this bar”- Toby Keith
“Come as you are” – Nirvana
“Good Riddance (Time of Your Life)”- Green Day
“Santeria” -Sublime
“It’s 5 o’ clock somewhere”- Allan Jackson, Jimmy Buffet
“1979”- Smashing Pumpkins
“Sitting, Waiting, Wishing”- Jack Johnson
“Scar Tissue”- Red Hot Chili Peppers
“How do you like me now” – Toby Keith
“Letter to Me” – Brad Paisley
You may notice that I doubled the Brad Paisley song, “Letter to me”. I feel like that that is a song that would best describe the relationship I share with my dad. He is always trying to set me up for success. He constantly reminds me how much I have in my life and to focus on the good things in life rather than focusing on the negative. People need reassurance every now and then, just to let them know that what they are doing is right because it is right for them; and what hasn’t already come, will come eventually. I hope when my dad hears this CD it will remind him of the last 18 years we have spent together, and how he was one of the sole reasons why I have made it this far. I want him to know that he has fulfilled his job at being a parent and it shows through me and my brother in school and life.
Part II
My brother never knows when to quit.
My dad always has to have the last word.
My mom is pretty good about turning things around to a positive point of view.
My grandpa really knew how to have a good time.
My grandma never fails a good meal.

Monday, October 27, 2008

October 27, 2008

October 27, 2008

Dear Friend,
Have I ever told you how beautiful the nightlife is? It would be impossible, but I’ll try. Every light in the entire city is glowing. Couples walk and hold hands, as musicians play their sweet songs. Horse drawn carriages parade about the street, inviting lovers for a ride through the town. You see every kind of people; clubbers, diners, beggars, and so many more. The lights wrapped on the light posts illuminate the sidewalks and make you feel as if you’re walking on Dorothy’s yellow brick road. Life embraces you with each step you take. And if ever you get the feeling the night may be coming to an end, look around the corner, because the city never sleeps.
My “glory days” have yet to come. I am positive though that the first time I deliver a baby, these days will begin. I can imagine myself in the delivery room; my hands are just about to embrace life as mom pushes harder and harder each time. I can hear myself saying, “That’s it, almost there. Just a few more really good pushes.” It’s going to be awesome. I get excited just holding babies. To actually be the one who brings the little guy into the world would be such an honor. And not just the first time, but for every time I deliver a baby.
I’m always surprised when my mom and I begin Christmas shopping at the end of summer and still find ourselves doing last minute shopping two days before Christmas Day. It’s like no matter how far in advanced you start, there is still more shopping to do. During Christmas, my family likes to open presents from each other on Christmas Eve, and then stockings and presents from “Santa” on Christmas morning. This year is going to be a little different. You see my family is moving to Germany on Wednesday and its going to be just me and my Oma, my grandma, this year. I’m sure I’ll have fun with her, but it’s definitely going to be a change from what I’m used to. In past years, my Opa, my grandpa, used to come for every Christmas and stay through half of February. He passed away a little over a year ago. Missing him from our family put a damper on Christmas last year. I can still picture him sitting on the couch until my mom would call him to come cut the ham. He used to be a chef, and for every time we had a huge dinner, he was in charge of the meat. He used to complain to me about how I would ruin my meat by cooking it longer. I can’t stand the sight of blood, but for him, the bloodier it was the better. I miss him and I’m going to miss my family too.

Love always,
Brover

Monday, October 6, 2008

October 6

October 6, 2008
Dear Friend,
It has been a while since we last spoke. My life has been pretty hectic lately. As you already know my family is moving to Germany, and it’s only two weeks before they leave. I know, hard to believe, right?! It’s slowly starting to hit me, the reality of it all, I mean. I got strep throat this weekend, and it was weird because when I went to call my mom, I started crying. It freaked me out to think that she’s leaving. Not that her moving is worse than you losing your mom completely, but I think I am starting to grasp the feeling of not having a mom. She really does do everything for me, which makes it that much harder to get used to living in the real world. Yeah, I know growing up will make dealing with situations like this easier, but not having a mom within reach can really make a person feel insecure, especially a daughter.
There was this one time when my mom was going through a rough patch. Apparently she had the Human Papilloma Virus, and thought it was best not to tell me and my brother. What the hell?!! Knowing that something is wrong with a loved one can really drive a person insane. She was moody all the time, and would jump on me for every little thing. I couldn’t win. Everything was an argument. It felt like there was always tension and we couldn’t be around each other. After her surgery, she calmed down, and started to act like her old self. During that time, it took me a while to understand why she hadn’t told me. It was upsetting at first to think that my mom couldn’t trust me. But it wasn’t that she couldn’t trust me, it was that she didn’t want me to have to deal with it. It was hard enough for her to hear the news, and she knew I couldn’t handle stress very well. So, I figured she was “protecting” me. I learned a lot from that experience. I learned that it’s okay to ask questions. It’s okay to be aware. And though a person may say nothing is wrong, make sure to always have one eye open, because it could be a lot more than nothing going on.
Now that I think about it, this same sort of situation happened between me and you. I could tell something was definitely wrong with you back in April. You would get into this mood where you would disconnect yourself from the world. Every time Emi or I would ask what was wrong, all we ever got out of you was a, “don’t worry about it, I’m fine”. But you weren’t fine. You were depressed and lonely. And I think you didn’t tell us because like my mom you didn’t want us to have to deal with it. I know you’re the type of person that tries to please everyone before yourself, and I admire that about you. From you, I learned never to ignore the signs. Like my dad always tells me, “If it feels wrong, then it probably is wrong.”
With all that said, there is one last thing I want to talk to you about. I’m reading this book called “The Perks of Being a Wallflower”, and in the book the main character Charlie describes this time when he’s with his new found friends, Sam and Patrick, and how he felt “infinite”. To me infinite is being in a place where no one can touch you. You can run for miles on end and never tire. Like the time we went to Breckenridge. We were on our own for the first time, and we had nothing to do but live it up. I was with my best friends and we had everything going for us. I hope there will be another time like that. And I hope it’s with you and Emi. You guys make me so happy, and to know that I have you makes my family moving away a little easier for me.
Love always,
Brover

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

September 16, 2008

September 16, 2008
Dear Friend,
I am writing to you because I am at a loss for words. There is nothing I can do or say to change what has happened to you. You pretend to live in this care-free world, where no one gets hurt and life is a breeze, but I know you hurt more than anyone right now.
I just need to know that you are going to be all right. There is nothing in this world that could ease the pain you are feeling right now, because losing someone as special as your mom has to be the hardest thing for any girl to have to go through.
I think you of all people would understand that though the times ahead may be rough, you don’t have to go at it alone. Emi and I will ALWAYS be by your side. You are such a wonderful person, and I know that you above all people will be there for me too.
So, this is my life. And I want you to know that though I may seem to know what I am doing, I am just as lost as you are. Shutting down seems like it would be a lot easier than feeling anything, but you can’t let your life slip away. I can remember when my Opa died. I was driving on my way to hang out with you and Emi, and my cell phone started ringing. I answered it and my dad told me that I needed to come home right away. As I entered the doorway, I could see my mom standing in the corner with a tear-stained face, and my dad holding her. She let go of him and slowly walked towards me. With each step, another tear would stream down her cheek. And when she finally reached me, she spoke but two words…. “Opa’s dead.”
It saddens me to think how it takes the loss of a loved one to bring a family closer together. The reason I wrote this letter is because I don’t want to have to lose you to realize how special our friendship really is.
Love Always,
Brover